i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
