I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
