Soap is not a condiment
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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