I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
