i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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