Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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