it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
