Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
this hospital has no fireball
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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