a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Still dying that you shit outside
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
