The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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