So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
