too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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