We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
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