Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
