Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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