who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In other news, I just burned my penis
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
