I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
