Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am naked and annoyed.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
