mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
