O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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