Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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