I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
