Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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