Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Someone signed my nipple.
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