Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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