Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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