Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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