I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
