im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
