Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
