youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
