Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
a search helicopter?!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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