Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
