It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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