I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
