Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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