Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
