i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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