I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
