Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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