We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
