worst night to have a conscience
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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