Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
