im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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