wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
