i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
