he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
