I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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