if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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