My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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