this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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