just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
