i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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