good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
